Successful (feat. Trey Songz & Lil Wayne) + What About Me – The Exceptional Three

CHATTTTTTT!! It has been entirely too long (but also somehow just long enough) since we last spoke. In vowing to honor complete transparency in this space, I have to be forthright and convey that my absence was due to an emotionally dense couple of weeks. My internal landscape has felt like the climax scene in Everything, Everywhere All at Once. As far as I am concerned, the most sick and twisted part of adulthood is that there is rarely, if ever, a pause for all the other shit you have to keep running within your life when you are stretched to your max emotional capacity. Sometimes you gotta throw some shit (responsibilities/commitments) off the boat to stay afloat (and there is strength in knowing when to do so). I’ve gone back to therapy for the first time in a little over a year, and we’ve graduated from the more moderate “how are you feeling today?” to “so what was that trauma like?” Anyone who has walked that path knows the emotional baggage that can come with it. At the same time, I was experiencing the birth of opportunity and duty as they arrived at my doorstep, bundled together in a package that felt both overwhelming and unfamiliar. Having those two realities exist simultaneously prompted me to log dafuq off for a lil bit :).

For the past few weeks, I had been incessantly pestering myself in the back of my mind, sprinkling seeds of guilt and even failure every time I thought about my decision to put this “weekly” (I purposefully use that term loosely too, like girl why are you beating yourself up) commitment on the back burner. While I was lamenting the culpability of my lapse in posting, one of my favorite people in the world gently brushed the rubble off my disjumbled thoughts, and there, nestled beneath the debris of my guilt/shame, was precisely the idea to expand on in this entry.

GIRL STOP BEING DISAPPOINTED AND GUILT-RIDDEN WHEN YOU CAN’T DO EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD ALL 365 DAYS OF THE YEAR!!!

I consistently and successfully juggle the daily responsibilities of my life across all areas, 95% of the time. But every once in a while (as expected with every human being), life humbly forces me to admit that I cannot do it all. I am constantly working on releasing the shame and guilt I can carry whenever I am forced to greet that realization. I think it’s beneficial, mandatory even, to take pride in yourself and one’s ability to rise to expectations regardless of personal feelings or external circumstances. In my judgment, it is the quickest way to build irrevocable trust and confidence within oneself. Taking pride in keeping your word to yourself, following through on what you committed to, has an importance that is second to none for me. But, as with all things (waking up the blanket theme that wiggles its way into every thought-driven entry), the answer lies within moderation, AKA the grey. 

Admittedly, I was naively (yet earnestly) trying to become the first person in human history to resolve another way out than through. Furthermore, when I was so courteously reminded of the only option (it’s through, in case you needed a refresher!!) I needed time to fully let go, surrender, and observe. ← And that shit is fucking hard, btw, don’t listen to any soul who says otherwise! Having the capacity to be fully emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually present in your life through times of grief, uncertainty, and discomfort is no small feat. If only avoidance yielded a result more substantial than highlighting the entrance to where you need to go. Avoidance feels good until the comfort of familiarity wears off, and the lesson you’ve been trying to outrun begins meeting you at every corner of your daily experience. Nonetheless, choosing to remain open to the experience, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, has been one of the most integral and enlightening ways for me to understand myself as I am and recognize the places where I can continue growing into my highest self.

Surrender is hard, but so is holding on. Uncertainty is hard, but so is conviction. To know grief is to know love. Everything can change, everything will change, everything has changed. Humans are not machines; we are not meant to perform at peak performance constantly. You and your experience won’t be the first to disprove these eternal truths, and all you cause yourself is unneeded suffering when you attempt to do so. There is strength in understanding your limits, and even more wisdom in giving yourself permission to pause before you reach them.

Sometimes I worry that my writing sounds preachy when in reality, I am mainly writing to myself. I am proud of how far I’ve come, but that doesn’t mean I have somehow transcended the very human experience of saying the wrong thing, fucking up, or doing something I regret. I simply don’t write down every instance of it. What I do try to anchor myself in is what I know to be true, because I think learning from our mistakes requires having something steady at the center of us to return to. 

There’s also something beautifully mystifying about the disconnect between language and feeling. I can read my own words back and think, damn, this sounds so much more put together than I feel. And honestly, y’all, that’s the point I am trying to make. I didn’t disappear from my passion project for a couple of weeks because I had some profound reason or because I stopped caring. I needed a fucking break. That was the reality behind the scenes. And I am hereby releasing myself from the shame and guilt I prescribed to myself for taking it. I don’t need to be the architect of my own suffering. The journey will provide enough of that on its own. 

All that being said, I’m glad I didn’t spare another second before I reunited with my keyboard and headphones, for there is no greater satisfaction than letting the thoughts that have been brimming beneath the surface of my mind spill freely onto the page and find form through language. Feeling a lot more grounded, optimistic, and present within my life, which will inevitably translate into this project. 

And as a final reminder:

Above all else, take the time to fucking feel!! The joy, the grief, the discomfort, the wonder. To experience the entire spectrum of human emotions is a privilege, and what a waste of flesh it would be to cherry-pick which part of being human we allow ourselves to experience.