Midwestern Nights Dream – Pat Metheny + Oblighetto (Remix) – Jack McDuff, J Dilla

Feels so sappy, but I could never wrap my head around the sentiment that once a relationship (be it a friendship, romantic, anything in between, outside of that, etc.) ends, you now need to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and never acknowledge the way that person, or that relationship, shaped you. Be it “good” or “bad” (love how suffocatingly inescapable subjectivity is:)).Of course, there are caveats to this regarding whatever ended the relationship, and those exceptions are deeply personal. Even so, I have learned something from, or been changed in some way by, every single soul I’ve ever loved, despite the delightful fact that I’m not in contact with everyone I’ve ever loved.

I thought of my teenage best friend the other day when I got candy from the gas station after taking a shower at sunset. Our ritual was ingrained: change into a hoodie + sweats, windows down, music blasting, and set out for the gas station with the best candy selection in town. My friendship with her is inextricably tied to the fondest memories of my adolescence and the teenage naivety with which I navigated the world. I haven’t spoken to her in years and don’t desire to reignite that flame, but I still think of her fondly and often. (Chiefly because she is me, and I am her, and the illusion of separation is what feeds the ego, keeping us divided.) But she is undeniably a metaphor for anyone I’ve ever loved and every type of love that’s ever changed me.

This is a great time to pull up on another hill I will die on: letting love stamp your heart.

I believe there’s a lot of ego seeping into the underlying bedrock of many people’s recollection of past relationships. No one ever wants to be perceived as “losing” when a relationship or connection ends. The ubiquitous default: play it tough and act like it didn’t hurt as much as it did. Accept what you can and move on with the intent of never looking back. Or, if you do look back, let your perspective stem from anger and regret instead of forgiveness and hindsight. But what exactly are we “losing” when we acknowledge whatever was left in the wake of an ended relationship? Or rather, what are we gaining by denying ourselves the beauty and depth of that acknowledgment when love has ended?

Now, I can’t sit here and act like a politician pissing on your leg while telling you it’s raining. I have spent my fair share of time masking hurt and sadness with the outward curtain of denial. But to me, there’s no more morally cowardly path than refusing to face what’s true within yourself. Navigating emotionally challenging situations has become much less convoluted and far more transformative ever since I stopped denying myself the grace of feeling whatever comes with the experience of a chapter of my life closing. Ever since I stopped lying (more on this @ a later date, mental bookmark to come back to truth) to myself and others about what I was truly feeling, I’ve realized that every ounce of security I lost in my ego and image was returned to me as a consciousness-altering sense of freedom and alignment.

So what if an old friend did you dirty, but you learned the value of boundaries from it? So what if a relationship ended, but you got to experience a love you once desired? LITERALLY SO FUCKING WHAT. Or, as one of my favorite poets, 3 Stacks, puts it: “If what they say is ‘Nothing is forever,’ then what makes love the exception?” Everything put together sooner or later falls apart (Paul Simon reference), and I would much rather endure the perils and triumphs of my emotions than seclude myself from one of the most radical and metamorphic experiences a human can have: love!! I vowed a long time ago to allow myself to become a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, and I am a better person for it.

Thinking today of every person who’s ever left an inscription on my heart, and all those I have yet to meet who one day will.

Let love, in all its situations and forms, change you.